modern disappointment.

A place to file your complaints. Submissions welcome.

Fuck Batman. I’m Sick of That Guy.

Batman is the Chuck Norris of the comics world.

Batman is the Chuck Norris of the comics world.

By Leonardo De Walnut

Editor’s note: Apologies to the author of this piece for not publishing it in a timely manner. Modern Disappointment received this prior to the release of The Amazing Spider-Man 2, but did not publish it promptly. Had it been published in a timely manner, the comic book information contained in the piece would have only been widely known by comic fans. Instead, the information about Gwen Stacey specifically is thought now to be common knowledge in the Spider-Man narrative. Anyway, we hope you are engaged by the rant Leonardo De Walnut has provided, as he lets his hair down and gets candid about superheroes.

Superman is not a pussy. No, really, everyone thinks he’s like a boyscout or something, whereas Batman is cool because he’s dark and shit, and when he was starting out he fucked a Japanese chick on a bus and this turned him into a ninja. Plus, they say, Superman won’t kill. Uh… neither will Batman, you fucktard. Oh wait, Superman never rode on a Japanese subway so he didn’t have the opportunity to engage in Japanofrottage thus ensuring his entry into ninjadom. (This is all based on Wernheim’s Law: If you fuck an Asian, you become a ninja. This is why you see so many gamer/comic nerd types with Asian girlfriends. It’s all part of the plan.)

Spider-Man_Death-of-Gwen-Stacy

Spider-man can’t win.

Anyway, let’s take a minute to compare Superman to Spider-Man. Spider-Man is the classic tragic figure archetype. No matter how hard he tries to “do good,” he always gets fucked in the ass in the end. The Green Goblin throws Spider-man’s girlfriend off a bridge. Spider-Man catches her with his web before she hits the ground, but when he pulls up on the line he accidentally snaps her neck. I’m not shitting you, this is how Gwen Stacey died in the comics. In the movie Spider-Man 2, Peter (Tobey Maguire) tries to watch Mary Jane’s performance, but he’s late and so Bruce Campbell won’t let him in and Spider-Man is forced to leave all sad.

This wouldn’t have happened to Superman. Superman doesn’t take shit from nobody. He ALWAYS gets back at your punk ass. You see, in the comics, especially in the ’70’s, one of Clark Kent’s co-workers was always playing pranks on him. Usually Superman would use one of his powers invisibly to super-breath his shit or something, and make it backfire in the dude’s face. Remember that scene in Superman 2 where he lost his powers, and he goes into the diner and that trucker beats the shit out of him? Then General Zod takes over the world. So Supes gets his powers back, wins the day, tells the president he won’t fail him again, flies off into space and salutes the camera. By all rights the movie should be over at this point. OH FUCKING NO IT’S NOT. One more scene before the credits… Clark Kent walks back into that same diner and beats the FUCKING SHIT out of that trucker and throws him into a pinball machine. Roll credits.

“Oh, no, you di’int!”

If Bruce Campbell had tried that “I’m not gonna let you into the theatre because you’re late” shit on Clark Kent, he would have heat-visioned his belt buckle until it fell off his pants and cauterized his nutsack. Then while he’s screaming and jumping he would have just walked in. What scout merit badge does he get for that I wonder?

Not that I dislike Spider-Man. I never really appreciated him until I realized that in a hero death-match, Spider-Man would beat Batman. What’s Batman going to do, have a one-armed Green Arrow shoot him with a kryptonite bolt? You see, when you consider these things, most people only weigh in on two variables. They either consider powers and abilities or they look at popularity: who’s the cooler character. Usually people go with the latter if their favored hero would lose in the first category. And that’s usually how it works with Batman.

Batman beat Superman all by himself (with the help of Green Arrow).

Batman beat Superman all by himself (with the help of Green Arrow).

Batman really can’t do shit on the cold hard numbers, but they have a huge boner for the character, so they fall back on the deus ex machina of “given enough time to plan he can outsmart anyone” bullshit. Plus they bring up the fact that Batman beat Superman in the Dark Knight graphic novel all by himself (with the help of Green Arrow), and he keeps a kryptonite ring in his utility belt. Oh, fuck! Batman is smart and has kryptonite! Superman has never fought a smart adversary with kryptonite! Lex Luthor is a fucking community college dropout with a Glock, I guess.

BUT I DIGRESS… There is a third variable that doesn’t get considered in these matchups. That is the degree of RIDICULOUSNESS of the character. If you are going to pit two characters against one another, you have to agree on how much slack you are going to give towards the stupidity of the character to begin with. Like, “are we going to allow shit just because the character has done it?” If that’s the case, then He-Man (a totally fucked up character) is stronger than the Hulk because even though in Secret Wars the Hulk once held up a mountain. In his cartoon, He-Man threw a moon. HE THREW A FUCKING MOON. I’m not shitting you, he’s that strong. And he’s that stupid. If we are going to allow shit like this, then Chuck Norris beats all of them. Fuck it. I’m going to say that Batman is the Chuck Norris of the comics world.

HE THREW A FUCKING MOON.

HE THREW A FUCKING MOON.

So if we just go on the first variable, then Spider-Man beats Batman. If we go on the second variable then it’s whichever character you like better. If we consider the third and allow whatever stupid shit you want so long as it’s defined in the character, then Batman loses to Chuck Norris. Spider-Man makes me happy.

And, if it ultimately rests with hero worship, then it always comes down to the comic book money-shot of when the girl finds out the dude’s secret identity. If you are male, you picture yourself as the hero, and the potential love interest is oblivious to your real secret. “She thinks I’m just Joe Schmo, if only she knew who I REALLY am!” Then it’s all about the sublimated fantasy of showing off, and saying, “look at me! I’ve actually been Superguy this entire time!” Now consider Batman. He’s like this creepy stalker guy hiding in the shadows. What’s he going to do? Kidnap her and take her back to his batcave, pop out a bat-wedding ring and say, “I’m Batman”. Batman, by the way, gets off on saying that. In Smallville, Clark Kent takes Lana with him to an Indian archaeological site, teleports them both to his Fortress of Solitude, FLYS her up to a precipice, CRUSHES a lump of coal into a diamond and then WELDS it onto an engagement ring with his heat-vision and proposes. Now that’s style.

So fuck Batman.

 


More from Leonardo De Walnut on Modern Disappointment:

In Defense of Superman: OH, FUCK! SUPERMAN JUST KILLED GENERAL ZOD!

What Jesus Wouldn’t Do.

Atheism. Who Cares. Nothing is Ever Good Enough, So Sure.

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10 comments on “Fuck Batman. I’m Sick of That Guy.

  1. jagasghost
    September 14, 2014

    Batman is the world’s greatest detective. It’s this often under-emphasized trait that makes watching Batman do what he does in the most impossible of situations so entertaining. Batman is possessed by the notion that every detail needs to be considered and analyzed in order to maintain a position at least ten steps ahead of the opponent. This is why the Joker is the absolute antithesis of Batman-his actions work without any logic, reason, or discernible motive. Batman plays the game like a chess grandmaster. Superman plays the game like a moral compass with God mode turned on. It’s sort of like watching Bobby Fischer play against the chess computer Deep Blue. You just expect the computer to win because it has more processing power than any human could hope to have. Not many people cheer when Deep Blue wins. But if plain old, non-powered Bobby Fischer wins a game people are astounded, amazed, entertained, overjoyed with the ability and prowess that a normal man could have! All that extra power just makes a win seem cheap. I’ll root for Bobby (or Bruce) every time. So fuck Superman.

    • fred
      September 17, 2014

      Batman sure is smart. He came up with this genius plan to beat Superman in the Dark Knight graphic novel that Lex Luthor never would have thought up in a million years. What he did was he had someone shoot him with a kryptonite arrow and then he wore some powered armor. This is why he is the world’s greatest detective. That is a very intricate and foolproof plan. No wonder he is able to defeat every other kryptonite villain like Metallo or Luthor easily but could not somehow overcome that plan because it was pure brilliance.

      • Michael Rudikoff
        May 25, 2016

        The idea of condoning a hack-job, racist writer mutating Batman as a fascist psychopath beating up Superman of who he deliberately smeared down as a means to stimulate cheap, shallow thrills for the dirtiest common denominator is insane.

    • Michael Rudikoff
      May 25, 2016

      You’re superficially confusing Batman for Ozymandias, & you didn’t listen a word the article said in regards to the Batman problem. Blind arrogance.

  2. Dar
    December 11, 2014

    Hey man, He-Man is awesome.

    But yeah, Batman s over-rated.

    “Prep time” my foot.

  3. you get no name
    June 1, 2015

    no batman is better batman wold beat superman even if he was not a ninja he dose not need a ninja’s skills all he need is to be smart superman wold lose no matter what spiderman maby he has spider sence but that make is easy for him spiderman is a good for nothing pease of ship batman is better then awesome so fuck marval and dc minus batman ironman punisher green arow and batmans son DAMION WAYNE IDOT YES I KNOW ABOUT CAPS LOCK I AM NOT STUPID LIKE YOU IDEOT

  4. France's Yozawitz
    May 27, 2016

    DOes Batman get sick?

  5. Pingback: In Defense of Superman: OH, FUCK! SUPERMAN JUST KILLED GENERAL ZOD! | modern disappointment.

  6. Pingback: What Jesus Wouldn’t Do. | modern disappointment.

  7. Pingback: Atheism. Who Cares. Nothing is Ever Good Enough, So “Sure.” | modern disappointment.

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