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By Leonardo De Walnut
Listen here, all you who think Superman is some pansy boyscout. You seem to have a problem with him snapping Zod’s neck in Man of Steel? He fights for truth, justice and the American way, right? And that’s why you don’t like the character, because he’s too nice. And that’s why Batman is cool! He’s all dark and shit. The Superman you all know would never take a life, right? (Yet Batman does?)
When the fuck has Superman NOT killed General Zod?
What exactly did Superman do to Zod in Superman II? Did he, like, arrest him or something? Did he project him back into the phantom zone? No. FIRST, Superman used his device to take away ALL his powers making him as weak as a normal human. THEN he picked his ass up with one hand and THREW HIM OFF A FUCKING CLIFF in his fortress of Solitude. I think it’s pretty safe to assume the fucker died.
And that was the last you saw of the General.
Did anyone care? Did anyone truly give a fuck? Was this some big moral dilemma for Clark that haunts him in the subsequent films? No. And if you think about it, it was a total dick move on Clark’s behalf. Zod was a normal human at that point. He posed no threat to anyone. Superman flat out MURDERED him. Why? Because HE’S A DICK! You don’t FUCK with Superman. Apparently, only Jim Croce has figured that out.
That’s right. Superman is a huge ASSHOLE! And THAT is why he’s cool. If I remember correctly, the next scene was him flying off into space and smiling at the camera, with that cocky smurk. He could have easily imprisoned Zod in the minimum security Metropolis county jail at that point. By the way, did you know that Metropolis is NOT New York city? It’s actually located in Delaware. Gotham isn’t NYC, either. It’s in southern New Jersey, right across the bay from Metropolis. I’m not shitting you. Gotham city is in New Jersey. Can you believe that?
BUT I DIGRESS.
So where on earth does Supes get this reputation for being Mr. Nice? Some Bat-fan once asked me, “what’s the appeal with Superman anyway?” And I said, “you imagine that you yourself are Superman, and you walk into a biker bar and say, ‘hey, I’m fucking Superman! You’re all a bunch of faggots!’ And then you just stand there while they break all the bones in their hands trying to punch you, and killing their friends with the ricocheted bullets they shoot at you, and then you heat vision their respective dicks off.”
Doesn’t that sound more fun than being Batman? Hiding in the shadows, trying to scare the bad guys by making creepy “what was that?” noises by throwing bat-a-rangs when they aren’t looking? By the way, bat-a-rangs are just shitty boomerangs that don’t come back. Since when are boomerangs cool? Do all the Bat-fans have a big boner for Captain Boomerang? (That’s not using a derogatory nickname for Batman. There really is a guy named Captain Boomerang. He’s also just as cool as his name sounds.)
It’s not out of character for Superman to kill. Superman always kills General Zod. I’d be offended if he didn’t.
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