modern disappointment.

A place to file your complaints. Submissions welcome.

What Jesus Wouldn’t Do.


By Leonardo De Walnut

What would Jesus do? Probably get his ass killed. Unlike him, I do not have the ability to rise from the grave after being crucified. The whole beauty of his PLAN is that he is the son of GOD.

Some people say Jesus’s way is the best way. But sometimes there is a better solution. If you ask Jesus what to do, he’ll say, “give up all your possessions and follow me.” Then you give up all your possessions, and follow him into the desert, and then you’re starving, and you go to Jesus and you say, “we have no food!” And he says, “why are you coming to me with your problems? Look at the birds, they aren’t starving.” Which is wrong. Birds are constantly starving.

Way to go, Jesus. And even if he wouldn’t actually say, “why are you coming to me with your problems,” he wouldn’t give them food. It would be more like, “don’t concern yourself with the physical world. Care about the kingdom of God.”

BowieThere is a true story of a man in the old west who met Jim Bowie.  He was on a riverboat standing by the railing, and Bowie approached him and inquired what he was doing. He told Bowie that he gambled away his employer’s money on a crooked card game, and because he would go to jail for embezzlement, he was going to jump off the boat and commit suicide. Jim Bowie told the man something like, “follow me, I’ll take care of it.” They then sat down at the card game and the crooked dealers asked him his name and he said Jim Bowie, stabbing his signature knife into the table. They knew Bowie had a reputation for murdering crooked card dealers. At this point the dealers threw the game and the suicidal man won back all his money and Jim Bowie gave him half of the money that he himself won and said, “here you go.” What a cool guy.

Jesse_and_Frank_JamesThere is another true story of how Frank and Jessie James stayed at some old woman’s house for the night and she didn’t know who they were. She told them that she had taken out a loan on the house after her husband died in order to pay the bills, and that she couldn’t pay it—the bank was coming in the morning to repossess the house unless she came up with $900.  The next morning she awoke to find that the two men had gone. She also found $900 on the table with a note that said “use this to pay off your mortgage and make sure you get a receipt.”  When the bill collector came, she payed off the house and got a receipt. Then, as the collector rode through the woods back to the bank, Frank and Jessie James robbed him and got the money back.

In either story the problem was solved by cunning and badassness. These men, although two of them were criminals, can be role models for our lives. When you have a problem in life you could almost ask yourself, “What would Jim Bowie or Jessie James do?” WWJBOJJD.

What would Jesus do? Probably tell you to give up your possessions and follow him. Not really good advice.


More from Leonardo De Walnut on Modern Disappointment:


Fuck Batman. I’m sick of that Guy.

Atheism. Who Cares. Nothing is Ever Good Enough, So Sure.

3 comments on “What Jesus Wouldn’t Do.

  1. Pingback: In Defense of Superman: OH, FUCK! SUPERMAN JUST KILLED GENERAL ZOD! | modern disappointment.

  2. Pingback: Fuck Batman. I’m Sick of That Guy. | modern disappointment.

  3. Pingback: Atheism. Who Cares. Nothing is Ever Good Enough, So “Sure.” | modern disappointment.

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